


mystery of love

by Klanceisunoriginal



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barry POV, Canon Trans Character, Canon Universe, Character Death, F/M, It doesn't last though it's fine, Memory Loss, POV First Person, References to Depression, Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sad with a Happy Ending, Yearning, barry is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28726428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klanceisunoriginal/pseuds/Klanceisunoriginal
Summary: Sometimes there are feelings that you can’t quite place. Memories held in the darkness that are so familiar and yet unattainable. Jokes that you’ve heard before, but you’re not sure where. Voices that you know like your own, but have no idea who they belong to.Barry feels empty. He can't remember her.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Kudos: 2





	mystery of love

**Author's Note:**

> Hullo!
> 
> I was sad and doing some gay yearning so I wrote this from Barry's POV. Honestly I wasn't expecting to end it the way I did but I'm pretty happy with it sooo
> 
> I definitely did not do a re-read of this so any mistakes are staying there. 
> 
> TW: depression, breakdowns, character death (it's just mentioning barry losing his body)

Sometimes there are feelings that you can’t quite place. Memories held in the darkness that are so familiar and yet unattainable. Jokes that you’ve heard before, but you’re not sure where. Voices that you know like your own, but have no idea who they belong to. People you’ve seen. People you’ve cared about. People you’ve loved. Sometimes there is an emptiness that you can’t name. A loneliness that you can’t identify. One that always sits on your shoulders and weighs down on your chest. One that you learn to live with, but never quite forget about. 

I can go about my day, figuring out what the hell it is that I’m supposed to be doing, but my head pounds with every conclusion I try to draw. My brain feels like static and I want to remember. I want to remember so, so badly. But I can’t. I run myself into the ground day after day, just trying to remember. An emptiness fills my chest and leaves me a shell of who I am. Of who I should be. 

At night, I dream, and I feel whole again. I see the faces of the people I love. Of her. Every time I see her, I wake, sobbing. Shaking. Empty. Who is she? Why can’t I remember her?

The weight becomes familiar. It sits on my chest, day in and day out, only ever easing when I dream of her. Sometimes, I can feel a tingle in the palm of my hand. The phantom feeling of fingers intertwining with my own. Every time, I feel my heart pound, and when I realize that it’s just that - a phantom feeling - I crumble. I become unbelievably hollow. 

Eventually I am unable to sleep. My head is too caught up mourning the loss of someone I don’t know. Of someone I can’t remember. I wonder where she is. I wonder if she really even exists. I long for this woman who I can’t recall meeting, whose name eludes me, whose face I can’t visualize. 

The days become longer and longer. I can’t get out of bed. The emptiness has spread through every inch of my body. I miss her. I need her. I don’t know her. I don’t know what it’s like to be without her. Who is she? I need her.  _ I need her.  _ Please-

I wake in a cold sweat, the warmth of her lips still tingling against mine. I chase the feeling, reaching out, towards the darkness of my bedroom. Tears fill my eyes and I sit, heaving, mourning, crying out in despair. 

She is red hot, a raging wildfire, a pillar of flame. Wrathful and lustful and proud. She is muted orange, a comforting warmth, a constant happiness. Soft and caring and joyous. She is bright yellow, a flash of chaos, a beam of morning sunlight. Warm and friendly and impulsive.

She is perfect.

She is Lup.

I cry. I curse. I throw things. I’m so angry. Lup has been taken from me, but by whom? Where did she go? I need her by my side. I can’t do this without her. I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back.

My vision clears and my tears stop falling.  _ I will do whatever it takes to get her back.  _

I spend months in preparation. It takes so long, and I die. A couple times. After my first horrific experience with having a new body, I begin recording information for myself. On the next time around, I am able to remember right off the bat. Lup. I need her. I need to find my friends. Lucretia, Davenport, Magnus, Taako, and Merle. They’ll know where she is.

-

As soon as I see Taako, Merle, and Magnus, my heart fills with warmth. They’re here. They’re safe. My friends - no - my family. Lup isn’t with them. I try not to let that fact hurt me as bad as it does. I’ll be able to find her. I’m sure Taako will be excited to see her again.

Taako, Merle, and Magnus don’t remember me. They don’t remember anything. I can’t blame them. It’s not their fault, what Lucretia did. Maybe... I can try to watch over them.

I see Gundren with the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet and my heart clenches. She was here. This is where it ended up. It’s over in a flash and I’m dead again.

-

Taako found her umbrastaff. Taako found her. I can feel her in there. My entire being tugs towards the umbrastaff. I know she’s there, and I want so badly to be with her. It’s overwhelming, knowing that she’s right there and yet I can’t see her. I can’t feel her. I can’t hold her. I’m shaking, nearly losing my form. Nearly losing control. 

I remember our day together. My anchor. It hurts, but those joyous memories coupled with the realization that I can’t let go or else I’ll never see her again grounds me.

I try harder to inform and protect the boys. Only when the timing is right can I reveal everything. The emptiness that has filled my body eases a bit. Being able to see them and help them, its… its heartwarming. It’s grounding. I throw myself into my work, chasing that warmth.

-

Taako snaps the umbrastaff over his knee and I feel the explosion taking over the room. Tears immediately fill my eyes as I feel the warmth of her magic spreading. Her red hot wrath, her muted orange joy, her bright yellow impulsivity. The fire spreads, and while it doesn’t physically burn, the embers that have been sitting inside me for twelve years roar to life. I can hear the duet we played together at the Legato Conservatory play through the air, though I’m not sure if it’s in my head or if it’s really here, playing in my ears. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a gift from the voidfish at the most opportune time.

Then, she’s there. She’s back, and I cannot contain the pure emotion that fills my body. I sob, falling to the floor in a shaking heap. Relief, love, adoration, desperation, happiness. She’s  _ Lup.  _ She’s the piece that I’ve been missing for so long. My reason for working so hard. She’s here. The flames extinguish from her incorporeal hands and she turns to Taako, shouting a goof in his direction. My sobs turn into laughter. She’s perfect. She’s just so… Lup.

I feel whole again. When she looks my way and I see into the hooded shadow where her face would be, any bit of emptiness left fills and I’m happier than I have ever been in my life. I smile, tears still falling down my cheeks, and I let the warmth and fullness wash over me.

Lup is back, and she’s never leaving again.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this fic that I busted out in like an hour. I really hope you enjoyed it!!


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